Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: Assalam aleykum,
I met someone at college, but my mother said we cannot get married.
Should I hold on to this man or listen to my mother’s instincts and end this? Will hurting his feelings be a sin considering he is willing to wait for me?
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. Please forgive me for the delay.
Abu Hurayra reported that the Prophet (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, “There are three supplications which are answered: the supplication of the person who is wronged, the supplication of the traveller, and the supplication of a parent for his child.” [Al-Adab Al-Mufrad]
Please look after your mother’s heart. Her duas for you are accepted, and it would wise for you to heed her advice. Mothers have years of life experience, and a love for you that is unfathomable, until you become a mother yourself.
It would sinful for you to remain in a pre-marital relationship. I encourage you to end this relationship with dignified restraint; his feelings will inevitably be hurt, as will yours, but it would be far worse for you to persist.
Allah places people in our lives to help us refine our character. You are very emotionally attached to a man you are not married to, and you have a very serious decision to make. You can either continue in a state of sin, or free yourself through sincere repentance.
I see a few options, and both involve ending your relationship with him:
1) End this temporarily
If he says that he wants you by his side in his old age, then logic would entail that he would have to marry you. If he truly is serious about you, then he will take all the means necessary to win over your parents and seek your hand in marriage. It would be better for you both to stop seeing each other until you can actually perform a nikah.
2) End this permanently
Give him up for the sake of Allah, and trust in His promise that He will grant you far, far, better.
Please continue your sincere effort to perform your obligatory prayers. Use that as a barometer of your closeness to Allah.
I encourage you to wake up 15 minutes before Fajr, and perform The Prayer of Need. Ask Allah to help lift this tribulation from your life.
I strongly encourage you to complete this course: Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages. Please learn about the spirit and the law behind a successful Islamic marriage. In Islam, love is more than attraction, and getting everything you desire. Learn about what qualities you need to look for in a husband, and what qualities you need to have as a wife.
Ask yourself, which is better for your dunya and your akhirah: A husband who will tell you, with kindness, when you are being unreasonable, or one who will give in to your every whim? True love is what brings you closer to Allah, and not what pleases your lower self.
The door to repentance is open for as long as you are alive. Ending a pre-marital relationship can be very difficult, so please reach out for support. Lean on your mother, and others who are close to you. Recite and listen to more Qur’an.
“Who have believed and whose hearts have rest in the remembrance of Allah. Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest!” [Qur’an, 13:28]
Dear sister, please save your heart for the man you are destined to marry. I pray that he is out there, somewhere. Orient your life back to what pleases Allah, and always let that be your guide. Only His Pleasure with you will grant you lasting, long-term contentment.
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.