Should I Divorce My Husband and Marry My First Love?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I have been married for 20 years and have three children. However, I don’t have any feelings of dependency upon my husband because I support our family. He is a good man but I am starting to feel very burnt.

Recently, I met my first love from 25 years ago. He is now divorced and has offered to marry me because he believes that I am unhappy with my marriage.

If I find I really love the other person, is marrying him possible?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah guide you to what is most pleasing to Him.

Emotional infidelity

“And do not even go close to Zina! Truly, it is a gross obscenity and an evil path (to go down).” [Quran, 17:32]

Dear sister, I am concerned that you are in a state of sin. You are having an emotional affair, and unless you end this, it is only a matter of time before you fall into even graver sin with him.

When it comes to decisions in your life, please bring it back to what pleases Allah. I see two options, and both involve ending your affair with this man. Either you commit to saving your marriage, or you ask for khula’ and move on.

Divorce

It was narrated from ‘Abdullah bin ‘Umar that the Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “The most hated of permissible things to Allah is divorce.” [Sunan Ibn Majah]

Please perform The Prayer of Guidance up til 7 times to help you decide whether or not to stay in your marriage.

I cannot emphasise enough how important it is for you to remain objective, as hard as that is right now. Watch what Allah unfolds for you. For example, if your heart softens towards your husband and and he makes a serious attempt at repairing your marriage, then that is a sign for you. On the other hand, if your husband does not wish to change the dynamic of your problematic marriage, and you remain closed off from him, then that is a sign for you.

Children

You have children, so be aware that divorce will have an impact on them. Many adult children of divorce internalise and act out on the trauma that comes with parents who split up. I urge you to read “The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study” by Judith Wallerstein, Julia Lewis and Sandra Blakeslee.

Reflect on what kind of example you are setting for your children. When they grow up, get married, and face marital challenges of their own, what advice would you give them?

Children learn from who we are and what we do.

Counselling

Before you make any major decisions, I urge you and your husband to sit down with a culturally-sensitive marriage counsellor.

Please give your husband a chance. He is the father of your children, and you describe him as a nice man. It may seem tempting to give up on him, but the dunya is beset with trials, and the easy way out often doesn’t work.

If you do not address the root cause of why you had an affair to begin with (feelings of disconnection with your husband, reaching outside of your marriage for comfort, feeling burn out etc), then the pattern of your behaviour is likely to repeat itself in your second marriage.

Coping

You mentioned feeling burnt out. Would it be possible for you to reduce your work hours? Is your husband willing to step up and support you financially? What kind of support and self-care do you have?

Separation

A temporary separation from your husband to clear your head will only work if you have ended your affair. It is important for you to reflect on what to do with a clear head and heart.

For as long as the other man is in the picture, then your judgement will be clouded. He is also in a state of sin, for contributing to harming your marriage.

Character

Reflect upon what kind of character traits you want in yourself, and in your husband. Do you want someone trustworthy and loyal? Someone who is committed to your marriage? Someone who is willing to work things out?

Deceit and untrustworthiness are not pleasing to Allah, and these often accompany extra-marital affairs. Despite this, please take heart in knowing that the door to repentance is open to both of you.

Love

Love is not enough for a marriage to work. A successful marriage takes work, sacrifice, commitment, and above all, sincere concern for one’s spouse, for the sake of pleasing Allah Most High.

The ‘honeymoon’ high at the start of a relationship is a very temporary thing. The deepest and strongest roots of married love come from decades of hard work. Recovering from emotional infidelity is also something that will take a lot of effort and forgiveness. Even if it seems impossible to you right now, it is possible for you to fall in love with your husband and create a stronger and more loving marriage with him.

Please read these articles: 5 Ways To Prevent Infidelity and Recovering from Infidelity

I urge you to enrol in and complete this course Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages.

I pray that Allah grants you the wisdom to choose wisely, and make this a journey of healing for you and your family.

Please see:

How Can I End an Extra-Marital Affair?
What is Sincere Repentance?
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

Wassalam,

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.