Answered by Shaykh Jamir Meah
Question: Assalamu alaykum
I met this guy through my parents the Islamic way, I agreed to get engaged but with hesitation and uncertainty. At the engagement party and I was freaking out because I don’t think that this is the guy for me. What should I do?
Answer: Assalam alaykum. I pray you’re well insha’Allah.
When choosing a spouse, it is important to make sure you feel comfortable with them. If you are hesitant and uncomfortable then it is best that you resolve these feelings before entering into the marriage.
It often helps to clear and crystallise one’s thoughts by expressing them outwards and speaking to others. This helps us realise what the core issues are, to differentiate whether the issue is with ourselves or with the other person, and identify the solutions available.
Try doing the following:
1. Write out all the issues on paper. Write everything, even if they don’t make sense or seem silly. Write down words that are associated in your mind about this person and the idea of marriage to him.
2. Leave it for one day and then return to the paper. While reading it this time, do any of those words feel different now or the same? If further things come to your mind on this second reading, write them down on the paper.
3. Speak to close and trustworthy family members or friends and go through the list. Listen to their advice and sleep on it.
4. Return to your list, has anything changed within you? If so, note it down.
5. Arrange one more sitting with the prospective spouse (in person) and see if this confirms your doubts or allays them. This way you would have given him a chance and confirmed/dispelled your fears.
6. If you still feel niggling anxieties and uncertainty, then speak to your parents. Tell them that you are not comfortable with this person and prefer not to proceed with the marriage. If speaking to your parents is difficult, then get a third party member to speak to them on your behalf.
7. Make plenty of du’a and pray Salatul Istikhara throughout the above steps.
Please also refer to this answer:
May Allah facilitate ease in your affairs and grant you a loving and kind spouse.
Warmest salams,[Shaykh] Jamir Meah
Shaykh Jamir Meah grew up in Hampstead, London. In 2007, he traveled to Tarim, Yemen, where he spent nine years studying the Islamic sciences on a one-to-one basis under the foremost scholars of the Ribaat, Tarim, with a main specialization and focus on Shafi’i fiqh. In early 2016, he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continues advanced studies in a range of Islamic sciences, as well as teaching. Jamir is a qualified homeopath.