Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: Assalam aleykum,
A husband mentioned that he had previous relationships with women.He has asked Allah for forgiveness and is comforting to his wife and understands her heartache and frustration. He does his best to make her happy. However, it is still hurting her. She recently found this out and has been in a depressed state since. What should she do to forget?
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.
Dear sister, it is normal for you to feel deep pain over your husband’s past misdeeds. It is impossible for a wife to forget her husband’s past zina. This is one of the reasons why there is so much wisdom behind hiding past sins, especially major ones. Allah knows how weak we are, and how much we can torture ourselves over the past.
It would have been better for your husband to have concealed his past, instead of admitting to committing zina. Is It Permissible to Lie In Order to Conceal Past Sins?
Perhaps the solution is not to forget, but to make space for it, accept it, and let it go.
Jarir bin Abdullah narrated that the Messenger of Allah said: “Whoever does not show mercy to the people, Allah will not show mercy to him.” [Tirmidhi]
You described that your husband already made his repentance, is remorseful and is striving to comfort you. What he did was wrong, but there is nothing you can do to change his past. Make copious gratitude to Allah for keeping you from sin, before you got married.
It will take great maturity and growth on your part, but you can move forward, even if it feels impossible right now. You have a choice. You can choose to show mercy to your husband, grow from this experience, and become closer to your husband. Or you can choose to let your sadness and anger consume you, and ruin your marriage.
As unbelievable as it can sound, marriages can survive even infidelity. Learning to love again after an affair.
1) I suggest that you perform the Prayer of Need and ask Allah for help to let go of the pain in your heart.
2) Observe a mindfulness practice everyday.
3) If you cannot let go of your sadness on your own, please go to a culturally-sensitive counsellor
4) If you feel that it will help, then please attend culturally-sensitive marriage counselling with your husband to help you move forward.
5) Make more positive memories with your husband. Go on weekly dates, and if you can afford it, schedule regular vacations.
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.